Putting something a bit different on and posting up a short story! I wrote this in the wintertime but forgot to post it up at the time...which explains the start of it - at Christmas! Thought it might be interesting to put this up now that the Games are in full swing...
The floor was strewn with bits
of pinecones, tinsel and all manner of other detritus, the tree listed to one
side, the lights flickered – was that down to my haphazard handiwork, or was the electricity failing thanks to the
howling wind and snow outside? Well, it was most likely my poor workmanship,
but come on, I only got to practice
this once a year, in pursuance of the whole ‘Christmas’ circus. I found
‘Chrimbo’ a mite contrived, and more importantly, it represented a massive
obstacle to my constant quest to watch as much live motorsport as possible, in
person or on TV. Britain’s race
tracks were long under snow, and the gushing torrent of live motorsport on
telly had reduced to a trickle. Was that Andros Trophy in the planner a rerun of
last year’s race? Oh, look, V8 Supercars at the weekend!.....ah, darnit, the
final race was two weeks ago....how long till the Dakar?
OH GOD!
I sat down on the armchair,
truly exhausted after a few hours of the ‘fun’ of decorations. I poured myself
a whisky, and lay back. Why couldn’t Bernie have extended the season even
further? A Grand Prix would have been just
lovely to sit down to now. Instead what was flashing up on my screen was a
‘celebration of the Olympics’. There were thousands of people gathered. ‘Less
than 100 days to go’ boomed the presenter, with it written in huge neon lights
on Trafalgar Square just in case you hadn’t heard. Oh crumbs,
that will be another thing that disrupts motorsport, wedged right in the middle
of the season. No doubt we will have to pretend to enjoy it, while we miss
loads of great track action! Just like Christmas, and just as contrived. Don’t
give me all this spiel about plucky amateur values and grass roots sport, given
the whole thing was just a bizarre arms race between Governments, showering money
on teams for medals and prestige? And surely there were some professional
sports there anyway, cricket golf...but only the lucky few? Who decided that? So we were facing an Olympics without motor
sport, but also rugby, cricket, snooker, darts, in a British festival of sport!
Oh for goodness sake! It made me angry, although given the long day decorating,
that made me feel even more tired. I pulled my cushion up, shimmied under my
nice thick rug, and my eyes were weightlifting
heavy within seconds. All went black......
I suddenly regained vision again,
and struggled to focus. Strangely, there were no decorations in sight, it was
warm, and very sunny outside, and I was wearing my beach shorts. I was massively
confused....mind you, the telly was still blaring away on full volume, just as
I had left it. Okay then, fine. Mind, the pictures had changed – was that the
Olympic Stadium with thousands of people in it? Test event? What was going on?
‘The OLYMPICS, the nation unites
around OUR festival of sport’ shouted the announcer. Oh purrlease.....so give
it to me then, our good old festival of sport, where you’re probably about to
cut to the obscureville arena for some sport you never knew existed.....
‘Hi I’m Jake Humphrey, here at
Brands Hatch, for the Olympics motorsport events. First let’s talk about the
new event with Lewis Hamilton, Dario Franchitti, and Sebastien Loeb, part of
the greatest driver line up ever assembled!
What the fu............
‘But first I’ve got Bernie
Ecclestone, the instigator of all this. Bernie it was a bit of a shock when you
and the IOC announced this in January?’
‘Well yes Jake, but as I said
at the time, we all mellow a bit....eventually.....and I just thought elite
level motor sport had become too associated with money, with Formula 1 far too
dominant. I just wanted a fun event, that showed off the Corinthian spirit of
the athletes from the diverse parts
of our great sport.’
Huh?
So I planned this event myself
and I have paid for all the cars, the circuit, and the marshals. So when I went
to the IOC, they were so tempted by the prospect of boosting viewing figures by
enticing some F1 fans to actually watch the damn thing....and, er, of course,
the great contribution to the sporting spirit of the Olympics this would be. So
we will have three separate one make races, in V8 Superstars, around the
rallycross course in Ford Fiesta WRC’s and finally in Superleague Formula cars.
And may I just say isn’t this track marvellous, far better than some of the
Tilke tracks I’ve, perhaps, mistakenly flooded the calendar with....’
This was ridiculous now. It had
to be a dream. I pinched myself. I didn’t wake up. There was a pencil lying on
the sofa, and I pricked myself on the arm – ouch! Still didn’t wake up Well, it
must be a pretty realistic dream.....
‘Thanks Bernie, well there was
so much debate about what 40 drivers would be selected, including the now
famous article on the Motor Sport
website that attracted 850,000 comments, entering the Guinness Book of Records.
In the end the FIA and IOC settled on last years champions in Formula One,
Indycar, NASCAR, GP2, WTCC, BTCC, DTM, V8 Supercars, Formula Renault World
Series, WRC and IRC, plus 29 wildcards
selected by a committee. Sadly it was just too last minute to get racing bikes
involved, although they will compete in 2014 for a separate medal, and
Valentino Rossi is one of the wildcards thanks to his previous car racing
experience. Here are the drivers displayed on your screen.’
|
S.Vettel
|
C.Edwards
|
|
T.Stewart
|
J.Johnson
|
|
D.Franchitti
|
D. Earnhardt Jr
|
|
S.Loeb
|
J.Gordon
|
|
Y.Muller
|
J.Montoya
|
|
M.Tomczyk
|
R.Gordon
|
|
J.Whincup
|
C.Lowndes
|
|
R.Grosjean
|
M.Hirvonen
|
|
R. Wickens
|
S.Oijer
|
|
A. Mikkelsen
|
J.Kopecky
|
|
J.Button
|
T.Neuville
|
|
M.Webber
|
V.Rossi
|
|
F.Alonso
|
M.Neal
|
|
M.Schumacher
|
J.Plato
|
|
K.Raikonnen
|
M.Ekstrom
|
|
J.E. Vergene
|
A.Prialux
|
|
W.Power
|
A.Lotterer
|
|
S.Dixon
|
A.McNish
|
|
H.Castroneves
|
T.Kristensen
|
|
S.Bourdais
|
R.Huff
|
Points system: 40 for first,
down to one for last.
Wow, what a field. What a
field! All racing together, at Brands Hatch! I could rightly live with the
Olympics now thank you very much! Although I was still slightly bemused by
Bernie Ecclestone’s attitude. Less so the drivers.....
‘Lewis, are you not pining for
your F1 car after the two days testing in these three cars?’ ‘No way man, this is frickin great! That V8
touring car is awesome, you can get the rear end to slide so good, and the superleague
car with a V12! I remember the V12’s from Senna’s day....the SOUND! What a
SOUND!!’
‘And Sebastien, you’re a wild
card, how do you think you can do in the racing cars, is it too steep a
challenge as a rally man?’ ‘Ah no....I don’t think so. I always
have....pride...in being an all rounder, I’ve done track racing successfully
before, and I really think I have the all round ability to beat these guys. I
will certainly beat Ogier easily!!’
‘And Dario, you’ve put so much
effort into your preparation for this, what does Olympic Gold mean to you?’
‘Ah, so much, so much. I was delighted that the FIA resurrected the Jim Clark
Trophy to be presented along with the Gold medal. I’m a big student of the
history of the sport, and even now I can’t believe how Jim Clark could jump
from Formula One, to Touring Cars, rally cars, anything.....To have the
opportunity to do the same, even for one meeting...is just such a privilege. So
I really want to win! Some people have said that carving out a replica of the
rallycross track at my ranch, and buying a Ford Fiesta WRC to practice was a
bit much, but we racing drivers always want the unfair advantage!’
Wow....I couldn’t believe some
of all this. 40 of the world’s best drivers in V12 single seaters, rally cars,
high powered touring cars...bring it on!
‘Now we will show you highlights
of the first two races before we go live to the third race’.
The V8 supercars appeared on
the grid for the first race, with the star studded line up. The fireworks were
about to go off, and my goodness they went off with a bang. But first, astonishingly,
confounding the predictions of each and every one of the pundits, the cars made
it through Paddock Hill bend without contact. But that was just a lull in the
storm, as it really degenerated at Druids, with Tony Stewart taking a massive
yahoo up the inside of Jamie Whincup, the two cars slewing all over the place
on the exit of the corner, before Matt Neal gave them a little tap, pushing them
offline, with the concertina effect causing a lot of banging around through the
field. The onboard camera caught Stewart gesticulating and shouting furiously.....As
the cars screamed down the hill and the end of lap one, the order was: Lowndes,
Edwards, Prialux, J.Gordon, R.Gordon, Plato, Hamilton,
Whincup, Stewart, Vettel, Johnson and Franchitti. As the race went on the pace
was furious, with the non touring car drivers adapting very well to the bashing
and boring. In just a few of the
flashpoint areas the highlights editor had picked out, Michael Schumacher put
Montoya on the grass on the run down the hill to Hawthorn, before Juan nerfed
him into the gravel at Dingle Dell. ‘I’ll show you ONE MOVE!’ he thundered on
the radio. There was a right shemozzle at Paddock Hill on the next lap as Robby
Gordon and Jason Plato banged fenders on the way in, and as they did so, Hamilton
blasted past on the outside, powersliding the car on the grass in a wonderful
manoeuvre, to the frenzied noise and applause of the packed crowd on the
banking. Astonishing! But then it was quickly all shattered, with Robby Gordon
locking up hugely in the run into Graham Hill bend, knocking into the rear of Hamilton’s car
and knocking the rear wing off. But this did not deter Lewis and he kept
charging round, powersliding everywhere and entertaining the crowd. But it
began to wilt his tyres, and he was overtaken by first Vettel and then Johnson.
They had bided their time, and saved their tyres, and gradually worked their
way up the field. 10 laps from the end Johnson slipstreamed past Vettel, after
following him the whole race, and relentlessly then picked off everyone else,
with a series of incisive manoeuvres, finally taking Lowdnes round the outside
of Surtees on the last lap. So the final order was: Johnson, Lowndes, Edwards, Prialux,
Borudais, Vettel, J.Gordon, Hamilton,
Franchitti, Loeb, Stewart.
‘And if you thought that was
chaos, here are the highlights of the second race.’
The cars appeared in screen for
the rallycross event. Loeb and Ogier were on the front row. The commentator was excitedly burbling about this being a
grudge match between Loeb and Ogier, after the recent war of words between the
two in world rally. And true to the form, the two indulged in an orgy of wheel
banging throughout the race, as they left the rest of the field in the mists.
Behind there was utter chaos, with the F1 drivers in particular using the
license to pull out some spectacular power slides. Hamilton showed
a great aptitude for this, joking over the team radio that it was a joy to do
two races with no downforce at the back, and that he wished he could do it more
often! Franchitti was well up after his extra testing and had a ding dong with
the exciting Theirry Neuville, that ended up in their bumpers littering the
track. After 50 minutes of absolute chaos, it came down to the last lap, with
Loeb slingshoting Ogier at the last corner to won, much to his joy. The final
order was: Loeb, Ogier, Neuville, Hirvonen, Franchitti, Kopecky, Hirvonen,
Stewart, Hamilton, and
Vettel.
‘And now we go to our final
race, in the V12 superleague formula cars’. The standings going into the race
were:
Loeb: 71
Franchitti: 68
Vettel: 66
Hamilton: 65
Vettel had taken pole, sharing
the front row with Hamilton, with
Franchitti in 5th, and Loeb in 12th. All still had shots
at the Gold Medal. It promised to be quite a race, and so it was. Vettel roared
off from the start, while Hamilton got an
awful one, and was passed by Alonso, Webber , Button and Dixon.
Vettel immediately built up a big lead. But inexorably, cheered on by the
capacity crowd, Hamilton
started to move up the field. He went round the outside of Dixon into
Surtees, slipstreamed Button down the hill into McLeans, and
dived past Webber into Paddock Hill bend. After that he barged up the inside of
Alonso into Graham Hill bend, and started to reel in Vettel. He looked good for
the win. But this seemed to spur on Alonso, and he passed Hamilton in an astonishing
manoeuvre that started with him going up the inside at Paddock, but thanks to Hamilton’s obduracy
lasted till Alonso got the drop at Dingle Dell! It was all absolutely crucial,
as although Alonso could not realistically win Gold, he could take it away from
Hamilton and Vettel by winning – Hamilton needed
to win the race, second for Vettel would not be enough if Franchitti was 5th,
or Loeb 9th. And intriguingly Franchitti, cannily saving his tyres, was
in 7th, but catching Schumacher and Dixon for
that 5th place, while being pressured by Castroneves and Vergene.
But catching them all was Loeb, a quite astonishing performance for a man who
had been refused an F1 superlicence, but was finally fulfilling his dream of
racing against the best of the best in single seaters. And he was in
tantalising reach of the Gold medal....
The race got momumentally
intense towards the last 5 laps, with the TV director furiously flashing up ‘As
it stands’ tables every 5 seconds – and rightly so, because the position was
constantly changing. At various points, Franchitti, Vettel, Hamilton or Loeb
were all theoretically top of the table. The top 3 had got into a ding dong
battle and were swapping the lead nearly every corner. Franchitti had briefly
got into the hallowed 5th place, but Schumacher and Dixon were
proving obdurate and sparked off another desperate bout of passing and
repassing. Loeb had joined a furious
battle with Castroneves and Vergene for 8th. If Loeb was 9th
he would win Gold providing Franchitti was not 5th. If he was 8th
he would definitely win Gold. If either Vettel or Hamilton won they would win
Gold providing Loeb or Franchitti were lower than 9th or 5th
respectively. Get it? Well I didn’t, but with the help of Mr ‘As it Stands’, I
was enjoying it immensely! It really was all up in the air.....
And who to win? They all had
mighty claims to be deserving of the first Olympic Gold. Vettel was the World
Champion, had been breathtakingly fast in everything and had really thumbed
‘the finger’ to anyone who thought he couldn’t do wheel to wheel racing – he
had executed, what, a million clean and brilliant passes in one day! Hamilton had
brilliantly got into the spirit of it, relentlessly attacking, creating nonstop
excitement for the home crowd, even when he had no rear wing. Loeb had showed
how much of great all rounder he was, possessing real single seater prowess,
and as a bonus had vanquished his emerging rival Ogier. And Dario.....he had
been great, and his respect for the history of the sport and adulation of Jim
Clark, in some way, it make it so fitting if he was up there on the podium in
front of 100,000, the Gold medal round his neck and lifting the Jim Clark
trophy. There was just one thing for sure – they had all thrown themselves into
the event, created a magnificent spectacle that would be the talk of the Olympics,
and motorsport fans would be proud of them, whoever the winner....
The last lap started. Somehow
the director had contrived a three way split screen to view the crucial battles
that would decide the Gold. The front three battle was unbelievable, throwing
all caution to the wind, going on the grass sliding, darting around,(maybe
thinking they were still in the touring cars?!) but still showing respect for
each other.....just about! It was more Villeneuve/Arnoux than dodgem cars,
thankfully. As they went through Clearways and into Clark, Vettel appeared to
have it, but Alonso had saved a little power boost and used it just before the
braking area, and dived down the inside brakes locked, both cars lightly
tapping and slewing a fraction sideways, both drivers struggling to put the
traction down and beat the other to the line. While they were doing this, Hamilton had
thrown his car into a crazy powerslide, two wheels slightly on the grass, still
behind, but crucially carrying more momentum than the other two. HOW WAS THIS
GOING TO END?! And the thing was, the lead battle possibly wasn’t even decisive.
The other split screen showed Franchitti in 6th, but diving down the
inside of Schumacher into Stirlings, with the door rapidly closing! Could he
sneak through? And at the same time, Loeb had sneaked up to 8th. But
there was Vergne going round the outside of Loeb into Dingle Dell! I could not
believe this!!! Everything was happening at once, yet somehow in slow motion.
It was madly exciting, who was going to win Gold out of all this pandemonium!!
I stood up and punched the air –‘This is the Olympics! Gold!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!’
Huh??????
I was still shouting and
punching the air like a madman, but suddenly....I couldn’t understand, I
couldn’t focus on the TV. Was there a problem? Oh no, had the satellite signal
lost it at the crucial moment? I NEED TO KNOW HOW THAT ENDED!!! NOW! But hang on, now I refocused my vision, the TV
was still displaying pictures. But
they were of the lithe figure of Usain Bolt, ‘the fastest man on earth’. THEY
HAVE CUT AWAY FROM BRANDS HATCH FOR THAT?!!!!!!! I smacked my hand against my
trousers in utter disgust.....
Trousers? What had happened to
my beach shorts? And why was it so cold? In summer? What?
I looked around. Oh no. Oh no.
The Christmas tree was still up with the lights flashing.....
A dream!
Oh darn, now I would never know
who won....mind you it was the best dream ever. And Usain Bolt the fastest man
on earth, Olympics hype la de dah...you got to be kidding me! There are faster
out there don’t you worry about that. He wouldn’t have got near 40th
place in my dream!
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